


Home Invasion

by NeroKrohe



Category: Shrek (Movies)
Genre: Bad Jokes, Farting, M/M, claiming territory, mm whatcha say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 04:28:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12335496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeroKrohe/pseuds/NeroKrohe
Summary: A rude visit.





	Home Invasion

There once was a swamp, a foul putrid place. It was a surprise that there was any life thriving, let alone a house in the middle of it; and this man was a living embodiment of his home: ugly, rancid, and quite green.

This “man” was an ogre who would one day be known as Shrek.

Dusk was falling on the swamp and the ogre was relaxing in his homemade armchair, resting as he waited for his slug a l’orange to finish cooking. That was, until he heard it.

Footsteps at his door.

Shrek groaned, hoping that this would be quick. It’d be the usual plan: open door, roar, threaten with a shoddy club (it looked threatening, but was far from a weapon of mass destruction). He rose, making his way over.

He opened the door, preparing his lungs. It swung open an-

“WHA-CRUNCH!”

In that moment, all he could feel was pain in his groin. It was as if Thor himself had swung his mighty hammer and delivered Asgardian justice to the ogre’s green genitals. In reality, though it was no hammer of a god: it was a foot, connected to the long, slender leg of an unusual purple man. The stranger laughed obnoxiously.

Shrek fell to the floor, begging for mercy. The man stepped past him, whistling as he scanned the house.

“What a dump!” the man said with a heavily nasal voice.

The ogre got back up slowly, eyes tearful and temper high. Who the hell was this man?

“Listen here, buddy!” Shrek yelled. “This is MY SWAMP, ya get it?! So move yer ass outta here before I punt it to the moon!”

The figure turned around to Shrek. It was only now he could get a better look at the human: a tall, lanky man clad in purple with a physics-defying moustache, a pink hooked nose and absurdly-long limbs. He smirked, quickly striking Shrek’s weak spot with a swift flick of the foot. “TOO BAD, WALUIGI TIME!” He laughed.

The pain was…even worse. Shrek was close to vomiting, or…even worse…

 

Shrek woke up hours later, tied to a tree outside of his house. It was ruined: purple paint slathered the walls, a yellow upside-down L flag was wedged on the roof and there was a large sign marked “Waluigi’s House: no solicitors” (a small “Wah!” painted at the bottom).

Ohhhh, the anger. Shrek’s face had turned from green to a dark green mixed with red. How bloody DARE this man come to HIS home and take it for himself?! He broke free from his ropes using his ogre strength and started thinking. Reasoning with Waluigi wouldn’t work at all; he needed a more forceful approach.

 

Shrek scaled the wall of his home, being careful not to alert the intruder. He made it to the makeshift chimney. It’s go-time.

He slid his trousers to his ankles and squatted above the hole, unleashing a toxic cloud of green mist into the building; it could be seen exiting every and any opening in the house.

Smiling, the ogre went back into the house. It was his aga-

“Wehehehehehe! You call THAT a smell?” Waluigi sat in Shrek’s chair, laughing. All Shrek could do was stare in shock and awe at how this man was still alive.

“What? But...that smell! It can kill horses! How the hell can a scrawny tree-man survive that?!”

“I lived in worse dumps and eat lotsa garlic! Face it bub! This place is MINE! WALUIGI NUMBA O-“

The sound of gunshots filled the air of the swamp. Shrek stood before his armchair, wearing sunglasses and holding a smoking gun. Waluigi, however, was on the floor. This purple meme was no more.

“It’s ogre for you, laddie.”


End file.
